you must read.

i don't know how long this will last.

[the me posting twice in a row in the same day again shit]

*don't get me wrong it's amazing, i enjoy it, i love it.

but often i find myself busy.. and then when the working day is over i find myself without a plan in the world.

and then i sit and think... Hmmm what the fuck am i going to do now... sometimes nothing, sometimes i watch reruns of SouthPark or Tosh.o thanks to my boyfriend and his friends. These things aren't my savior. these things aren't things i REALLY enjoy.. but i do them.

it sucks when i have listened to my whole Itunes library about 6789 times,

it sucks to think about my current hair color and then sit on my mac and look through old photos and then get up to go to the bathroom where i have to face myself in the mirror again and again and again, telling myself to stfu and love who i am and what i've become.

my bf tells me to love myself first and everything else will fall into line, that im beautiful and that he loves me.

(thats an actual text from this morning as i am driving to work)

i wanted to surprise myself this afternoon with a box color (or two) and just fucking change myself.

but will tat really change me, or will that change my appearance??

could i in fact change my outlook by the color of my hair.. HMM this got me thinking..

but no.

No i didn't buy the dye, no i didn't go out for a drink, no i didn't phone a friend or use my 50/50 i just sat back and started typing.

H E R E

in this little box on my computer screen.

type type type type type

still typing my fingers away.

deleting and punctuating.

will i sleep like a solider tonight?

will i sleep at all.

So here's to tonight,

may she hold me tight and kiss my head.

tell me things are going to fucking calm down and that i should just learn to know like and eventually love myself for everything i am and everything i am becoming.

thankfully for me i will be held in the arms of the one i love.

my comfort and my constant, my man.

-- yeah yeah enough already with the mushy shit--

OKAY!

as for now, i'll be right here updating this page with all the things i am going to find here on the ole' internet since i have no plans.

later-